Three men step out of a car…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are in a car driving down the highway. An officer pulls them over and asks Heisenberg, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I can tell you exactly where I am,” Heisenberg replies.

The officer gets suspicious and decides to search the vehicle. Opening the trunk, he discovers a dead cat in a box.

“Do you know there’s a dead cat back here?!” the officer exclaims.

“Well, now I do!” replies Schrödinger.

Getting frustrated, the officer decides to take the three men in for questioning — but Ohm resisted.

Lottery

Ralph, who is not religious, is so down on his luck he decides to pray for some good luck. He prays to god that he win the lottery.

The drawing comes, and passes, and he doesn’t win.

By the end of the week things just continue to get worse, his car has been repossessed and he faces eviction from his mom’s basement, so he prays on the lottery again. But nothing.

Finally, after even his dog bails, Ralph prays again: “God, please, I’ll believe
in anything you say, just let me win the lottery this once!”

A voice booms out from the clouds. “Ralph, just meet me halfway and buy a freakin’ ticket!”

Real Genius

Kent: You’re all just a bunch of degenerates!

Chris Knight: We are? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jello?

Kent: You did not!

Chris Knight: This is true.

Kent: I was hot and I was hungry.

The real genius of this movie was the dialog.  It’s so ridiculous that it almost sounds true.

Pussy Willow

So little Jimmy walks past the general store where the old fellas sit out front. He’s carrying a bag of something. Stan, the youngest of the old guys, calls over to him, “Whatchya got there?”

“Duck tape! I’m gonna find some ducks!” Jimmy yells back. “I don’t think it works that way,” Stan says. Jimmy keeps on walking.

A few hours later Jimmy comes walking back the other way with a brace of ducks in his hand. The old guys at the store are suitably impressed.

A couple of days later, Jimmy walks by with bundle of something under his arm. Stan accosts him again, “Whataya have today, Jimmy?”

“Dog wood. I’m looking for a new dog.” “I don’t think it works that way,” Stan says. Jimmy keeps on walking.

Before the sun gets low in the sky, Jimmy comes striding back towards home, holding a puppy at the end of a leash. A low whistle emanates from the group of fellas.

A day after that, Jimmy is on his way by again, a rod of something in his hand. Stan gives him the side-eye, and suspiciously asks, “whatchya got today, Jimmy?”

“I got some pussy willow.”

“Hold on,” Stan says to Jimmy, “let me get my hat.”

I Love Imgur

I love Imgur. I lurk and sometimes post, but I adore the stuff you can find. Here are some of the sweet, funny, and cool things I have found over the almost two years (Almost my second cake day!) I have lurked about.

This made me happy (Not mine)

Imgur Album Humans

This is why we DON’T MESS WITH THE BRITISH NAVY

That’s not even half. These are my favorites of my favorites from TWO PAGES. I’ll add more as I go along. 🙂 Have fun with these!

Heaven vs Hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are French, the lovers are Italian, the mechanics are German and the trains are run by the Swiss.

In Hell, the police are German, the chefs are British, the French are the mechanics, the Swiss are the lovers and the trains are run by the Italians.