Category: Funnies

Rune Sore Bees

Megh and I quote this story at each other from time to time about ordering breakfast at a foreign hotel.  It originally came to us via email in the early days of Eternal September.

We riffed on it in front of a friend tonight.  This friend did not know the story, and after giving the short-short-short story on it I figured I’d see if I could find it online.

Apparently it was written by Shelley Berman¹, not a random unknown person, and forwarded via email endlessly without permission or attribution.

I’m going to redistribute it again, but this time with attribution.

(Reading hints: You are on the phone. The other party is also in the hotel.)

Morny, rune sore-bees.

Oh sorry, I thought I dialed room service.

Rye. Rune sore-bees. Morny. Jewish to odor sunteen?

Yes, order something. This is room thirteen-oh-five. I want…

Okay, torino-fie. Yes plea?

I’d like some bacon and eggs.

Ow July then?

What?

Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch…?

Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please.

Ow July thee baycome? Crease?

Crisp will be fine.

Okay. An Santos?

What?

Santos. July Santos?

Uh…I don’t know…I don’t think so.

No? Judo one toes?

Look. I really feel bad about this, but I just don’t know what judo-one-toes means. I’m sorry…

Toes! Toes! Why Jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow eenlish mopping we bother?

English muffin! I’ve got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.

We bother?

No. Just put the bother on the side.

Wad?

I’m sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.

Copy?

I feel terrible about this but…

Copy. Copy, tea, mill…

Coffee!! Yes, coffee please. And that’s all.

One Minnie. Ass rune torino-fie, strangle-aches, crease baycome, tossy eenlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?

Whatever you say.

Okay. Tenjewberrymud.

You’re welcome.

Shelley Berman, A Hotel is a Place, Price Stern Sloan, 1972.

When I first received the story, it was supposed to have originated somewhere in Asia but the accent and (mis)pronunciation always seemed to be Spanish to me.  (so maybe Philippines?)

¹ My first encounter with Mr. Berman was “The Sex Life Of The Primate (And Other Bits Of Gossip)” from my parent’s collection of vinyl.  I was 12 or 13 and much of the humor went over my head – but not all of it.

A Cinderella Story

Young Cinderella was getting ready for her best friend’s wedding.  Snow White was getting married to her prince, and asked Cinderella to be her maid of honor.

As Cinderella was readying herself for the big event, her Fairy Godmother appeared.  She read all of the tabloids and knew everything about the best man, Prince Charming.

“Cinderella, darling, I have something for you.  It’s a magic IUD to help with any, uh, delicate conditions.

“But you have to promise me that you’ll be back by midnight, for it will turn into a pumpkin.”

So off Cinderella goes to her best friend’s wedding, safe with the gifts and blessings from her fairy godmother.

But then midnight comes and goes without sign of Cinderella.

Just after dawn a very disheveled, but very happy, Cinderella comes wandering up the lane.

“What happened to you?!” demanded her fairy godmother.  “You were supposed to be back hours ago!  What happened to your IUD?”

“It’s fine, it’s taken care of.”

“Prince Charming doesn’t have that kind of power!”

“Oh, it wasn’t him,” Cinderella said, with stars in her eyes. “It was Peter, Peter, something or other.”

McGregor

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink.

After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent, “You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? Nay.”

He continued “Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGregor the wall builder? Nay.”

“Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGregor the pier builder? Nay.”

He takes another swig of his drink. “But ya fuck one goat…”

Linux, Solaris, Windows

Linux: Because rebooting is for adding hardware

Solaris: Because you don’t need to reboot to add hardware

Windows: Because rebooting is for adding hardware, adding software, regularly scheduled downtime, and should also be done on a daily basis to keep the machine running.

[attribution unknown]

Three men step out of a car…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are in a car driving down the highway. An officer pulls them over and asks Heisenberg, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I can tell you exactly where I am,” Heisenberg replies.

The officer gets suspicious and decides to search the vehicle. Opening the trunk, he discovers a dead cat in a box.

“Do you know there’s a dead cat back here?!” the officer exclaims.

“Well, now I do!” replies Schrödinger.

Getting frustrated, the officer decides to take the three men in for questioning — but Ohm resisted.

Lottery

Ralph, who is not religious, is so down on his luck he decides to pray for some good luck. He prays to god that he win the lottery.

The drawing comes, and passes, and he doesn’t win.

By the end of the week things just continue to get worse, his car has been repossessed and he faces eviction from his mom’s basement, so he prays on the lottery again. But nothing.

Finally, after even his dog bails, Ralph prays again: “God, please, I’ll believe
in anything you say, just let me win the lottery this once!”

A voice booms out from the clouds. “Ralph, just meet me halfway and buy a freakin’ ticket!”