Lottery

Ralph, who is not religious, is so down on his luck he decides to pray for some good luck. He prays to god that he win the lottery.

The drawing comes, and passes, and he doesn’t win.

By the end of the week things just continue to get worse, his car has been repossessed and he faces eviction from his mom’s basement, so he prays on the lottery again. But nothing.

Finally, after even his dog bails, Ralph prays again: “God, please, I’ll believe
in anything you say, just let me win the lottery this once!”

A voice booms out from the clouds. “Ralph, just meet me halfway and buy a freakin’ ticket!”

Pussy Willow

So little Jimmy walks past the general store where the old fellas sit out front. He’s carrying a bag of something. Stan, the youngest of the old guys, calls over to him, “Whatchya got there?”

“Duck tape! I’m gonna find some ducks!” Jimmy yells back. “I don’t think it works that way,” Stan says. Jimmy keeps on walking.

A few hours later Jimmy comes walking back the other way with a brace of ducks in his hand. The old guys at the store are suitably impressed.

A couple of days later, Jimmy walks by with bundle of something under his arm. Stan accosts him again, “Whataya have today, Jimmy?”

“Dog wood. I’m looking for a new dog.” “I don’t think it works that way,” Stan says. Jimmy keeps on walking.

Before the sun gets low in the sky, Jimmy comes striding back towards home, holding a puppy at the end of a leash. A low whistle emanates from the group of fellas.

A day after that, Jimmy is on his way by again, a rod of something in his hand. Stan gives him the side-eye, and suspiciously asks, “whatchya got today, Jimmy?”

“I got some pussy willow.”

“Hold on,” Stan says to Jimmy, “let me get my hat.”

Heaven vs Hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are French, the lovers are Italian, the mechanics are German and the trains are run by the Swiss.

In Hell, the police are German, the chefs are British, the French are the mechanics, the Swiss are the lovers and the trains are run by the Italians.

There are 10 types of people…

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary, those who don’t, and those who didn’t expect this joke to be in base 3.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary, those who don’t, those who didn’t expect this joke to be in base 3, those who didn’t expect this joke to be in base 4, … , and those who didn’t expect this joke to be in base n.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know ternary, those who don’t, and those who mistake it by binary.

There are 10 types of people in the world. One who knows binary, and nine who can’t tell a joke right.

There are two kind of people, the ones that can extrapolate information with incomplete data

There are 1 kinds of people in the world: those who start their arrays at 0 and those who don’t.

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Nerd Poetry

< > ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED

Translation:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.