Tag: jokes

A Cinderella Story

Young Cinderella was getting ready for her best friend’s wedding.  Snow White was getting married to her prince, and asked Cinderella to be her maid of honor.

As Cinderella was readying herself for the big event, her Fairy Godmother appeared.  She read all of the tabloids and knew everything about the best man, Prince Charming.

“Cinderella, darling, I have something for you.  It’s a magic IUD to help with any, uh, delicate conditions.

“But you have to promise me that you’ll be back by midnight, for it will turn into a pumpkin.”

So off Cinderella goes to her best friend’s wedding, safe with the gifts and blessings from her fairy godmother.

But then midnight comes and goes without sign of Cinderella.

Just after dawn a very disheveled, but very happy, Cinderella comes wandering up the lane.

“What happened to you?!” demanded her fairy godmother.  “You were supposed to be back hours ago!  What happened to your IUD?”

“It’s fine, it’s taken care of.”

“Prince Charming doesn’t have that kind of power!”

“Oh, it wasn’t him,” Cinderella said, with stars in her eyes. “It was Peter, Peter, something or other.”

McGregor

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink.

After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent, “You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? Nay.”

He continued “Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGregor the wall builder? Nay.”

“Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGregor the pier builder? Nay.”

He takes another swig of his drink. “But ya fuck one goat…”

Three men step out of a car…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are in a car driving down the highway. An officer pulls them over and asks Heisenberg, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I can tell you exactly where I am,” Heisenberg replies.

The officer gets suspicious and decides to search the vehicle. Opening the trunk, he discovers a dead cat in a box.

“Do you know there’s a dead cat back here?!” the officer exclaims.

“Well, now I do!” replies Schrödinger.

Getting frustrated, the officer decides to take the three men in for questioning — but Ohm resisted.

Lottery

Ralph, who is not religious, is so down on his luck he decides to pray for some good luck. He prays to god that he win the lottery.

The drawing comes, and passes, and he doesn’t win.

By the end of the week things just continue to get worse, his car has been repossessed and he faces eviction from his mom’s basement, so he prays on the lottery again. But nothing.

Finally, after even his dog bails, Ralph prays again: “God, please, I’ll believe
in anything you say, just let me win the lottery this once!”

A voice booms out from the clouds. “Ralph, just meet me halfway and buy a freakin’ ticket!”

Pussy Willow

So little Jimmy walks past the general store where the old fellas sit out front. He’s carrying a bag of something. Stan, the youngest of the old guys, calls over to him, “Whatchya got there?”

“Duck tape! I’m gonna find some ducks!” Jimmy yells back. “I don’t think it works that way,” Stan says. Jimmy keeps on walking.

A few hours later Jimmy comes walking back the other way with a brace of ducks in his hand. The old guys at the store are suitably impressed.

A couple of days later, Jimmy walks by with bundle of something under his arm. Stan accosts him again, “Whataya have today, Jimmy?”

“Dog wood. I’m looking for a new dog.” “I don’t think it works that way,” Stan says. Jimmy keeps on walking.

Before the sun gets low in the sky, Jimmy comes striding back towards home, holding a puppy at the end of a leash. A low whistle emanates from the group of fellas.

A day after that, Jimmy is on his way by again, a rod of something in his hand. Stan gives him the side-eye, and suspiciously asks, “whatchya got today, Jimmy?”

“I got some pussy willow.”

“Hold on,” Stan says to Jimmy, “let me get my hat.”

Heaven vs Hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are French, the lovers are Italian, the mechanics are German and the trains are run by the Swiss.

In Hell, the police are German, the chefs are British, the French are the mechanics, the Swiss are the lovers and the trains are run by the Italians.