I Am a Turd Burglar

I am my dog’s personal turd burglar.

Most nights I take Butter, the dog, for a walk around our neighborhood.  It’s good for her and it’s good for me.  As a responsible citizen I clean up after her.  I wouldn’t want to step in another dog’s waste, after all, so I don’t inflict it on my neighbors.  I wish everyone else were so considerate —  most are, not all, but that’s a different topic.

Butter isn’t very regular.  Some days she craps three or four times in the span of our walk (about 45 minutes to an hour), other days there’s not a single bowel movement.  If I could choose which days would be more feculent I would pick garbage night so that I wouldn’t have to carry the bags very far, but I don’t get to choose so sometimes I wind up carrying around a lot of purloined stool.

She pees a lot too, but that seems to go alright because I don’t hassle her about where she makes water and I certainly don’t go back for it.  But her manure is fair game for pilfering, and it’s mine, all mine.

I think Butter has a vague idea that we do our business in the bathroom instead of outside.  I find the dichotomy interesting, actually: a dog’s bathroom is outside, in the open.  If a person made them defecate and urinate inside their house, and other people found out, that person would be considered weird (and probably a bit filthy) and no one would want to go visiting at their home.  The flip side of that coin is, if I am caught soiling the ground outside I could be arrested for disorderly conduct and possibly charged with other offences — even if I do it in the bushes and offer to scoop everything into this nice little baggy I brought with me.

When it comes time to make doody I imagine Butter’s internal monologue goes something like this:

“uhh… hold on… ohohohoh uungh… ahhhhhhhhhhhh

“oh I feel better, time to kick it away and clean up —

“why is he yelling at me to stop?  Doesn’t he like clean —

“ugh no he’s fiddling with the rustling things again.  He’s going to —

“oh gawd yeah he’s picking it up again.  Why do you have to make it weird?

“dude.”  Looks at me reproachfully.  “If I drop a deuce in the house you yell at me.  I do it out here and you insist on bringing it all the way home with us.  What’s up with that?

“gawdammit everywhere I sniff it smells like my poop now.  How can we search for everyone else’s scat if all I smell is my own?

“You’re a moron, did you know that mister?”

And so it goes.  From her perspective I stalk her in order to plunder her excrement and keep it for myself.  I think I confuse her a little, but not too much because she’s not that smart.

Humans, on the other hand, supposedly are smart.  We recognize that dogs are a paradox.

She might be the smart one, though.  After all, she gets free room and board, and a personal turd burglar.

Family Hiking Local Events

Patriots Days in Concord (Day 1)

The morning dawned bright and clear, and the weather prediction called for a warm and gorgeous day. We decided that today was the day to take off and go learn some history! We packed the kids and the dog into the car, and off we went.

The first stop was the North Bridge. We missed the excitement at Miriam’s Corner, but had fun walking around the bridge and seeing just how full the river is. I can see why going around the bridge wasn’t really an option back in the day!

The flooding at the North Bridge was extensive!
The flooding at the North Bridge was extensive!
Butter is on the alert!

On our way up to the Visitor’s Center we ran into a very friendly dog. “Mort” was out without a leash, and apparently without an owner! Butter thought he was great fun, and they had a good time playing. We managed to catch him, and I leashed him with the strap from my bag (army map cases rock, and I highly recommend them). Fortunately, Mort’s family put their phone number on his collar,  so we were able to call them. Their first comment, “We thought he was inside!” We met them up at the Visitor’s Center, and Mort the Houdini Dog went on home like a  good boy.

There was one event I really wanted to see today, and that was the ceremony that commemorated the end of Paul Revere‘s ride (but not the end of the ride of William Dawes or of Dr. Samuel Prescott). The drive from Concord to Lincoln takes you past The Old Manse, Orchard House, and The Wayside. Once we got into Lincoln, the site of the ceremony was easy to find. Revere was caught on the road to Concord, after all.

The Minute Men arrive.
The Minute Men arrive.

There was a dramatic reading of “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere” by “Mr. Longfellow,” along with “Mr. Revere” and a “British Captain” calling him out when he got fast and loose with the facts (he called it “poetic license”). All in all, it was fun.

We got home in plenty of time to make dinner, and we were all tired. It was a fantastic day, and there is more to do next weekend! I can’t wait!

Alpha and Beta sitting at the base of the monument marking the position of the British. There is an insane amount of water behind them. If it gets much higher, the bridge will be an island.