The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math.
Money may not be able to buy love, but it sure can rent it!
“But besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”
Remember, you are a completely unique and distinct individual. Just like everyone else.
Women’s creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
— Woody Allen
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
— David Letterman
Did you hear about the new slogan for British Airways?
British Airways: When you fly on our planes, you just might get sucked off!
— David Letterman, June 12, 1990
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah,” the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
One bright day in the middle of night two dead boys rose to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don’t believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.
Other variations:
– One dark night, in the middle of the day, two dead boys got up to play.
– One bright morning in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.
– Two deaf policemen heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys.
– One deaf policeman heard the noise, came and killed the two dead boys.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
— A Bit of Fry and Laurie
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
— Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe [Performed by Lily Tomlin]
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating.
— Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
— Oscar Wilde
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
— Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat fish the rest of his life. Teach a fish to learn, and soon the fish will all be running around in schools!
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
— Roy Baty, Blade Runner
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago…we’re one of them.”
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
— Ransom K. Ferm
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
— Dave Barry
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
— A. Whitney Brown
A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves largess out of the public treasury.
— Alexander Tyler, eighteenth-century Scottish historian
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
— William James
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
— Andrew Tannenbaum
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again – and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
— Mark Twain
The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
— From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.
When the tide of life turns against you
And the current upsets your boat
Don’t waste tears on what might have been
Just lie on your back and float
Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall…nothing but Net.
There’s an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone.
— Bjarne Stroustrup
I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be… Ooooooo! Donuts!
Courteous Postal Workers:
A. Always have stamps on hand.
B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers.
C. Save the last bullet for themselves.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
— Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
Life in a vacuum sucks.
What method does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts? A spatula.
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again.
I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
— Dave Barry
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers – and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
— Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats – approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
— Emo Phillips
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
— F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.
— Heraclitas
C code. C code run. Run, code, run!
But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common objects that he could think of, and had screamed: “You lamp! You towel! You plate!” and so on.
— Sigmund Freud
These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.
— Charles Barkley
“Life without you would be like a broken pencil.”
“How’s that?”
“Completely pointless.”
— Blackadder, Series II
On a tombstone: “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK”
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so.
— Hunter S. Thompson’s Samoan Attorney
Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me —
The Carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.
–Emily Dickinson
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
— Quentin Crisp
Confucius say too much.
— Recent Chinese proverb
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
— Monty Python
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
— J. Edgar Hoover
Don’t hate yourself in the morning – sleep ’till noon.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
— George Carlin
Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
— John F. Kennedy
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.
And Jesus said unto them, “And whom do you say that I am?” They replied, “You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed.” And Jesus replied, “What?”
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”.
Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
— Johnny Carson
Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.
— Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
— Charles Barkley
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
— Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”
G M: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S: Yes, thirteen.
G M: Thirteen! Good lord, isn’t that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
G M: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
— Groucho Marx, on You Bet Your Life
…and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes!
— James Joyce, Ulysses
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
— D. E. Knuth, 1967
A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.
— In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance
An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
— E. L. Doctorow “The Book of Daniel”
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?
On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
— E. Grebenik
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
— Ogden Nash
When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved. I choose not to limit myself.
I prefer my lovers to be female, human, and breathing, but I’ll take any two out of three in a pinch.
Old Yiddish proverb: “If triangles had a God, He’d have three sides.”
Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
— Old Farmer’s Almanac
On a sidewalk near Portland State University someone wrote “Trust Jesus”, and someone else wrote “But Cut the Cards”.
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
G: “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”
EB: “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”
— Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
— Plutarch
Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush’s neck.
— From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die
It’s hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus!
Hi! I’m a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!
Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask “Why me?” Then a voice answers “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.”
— Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
— Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]
Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered.
— Woody Allen
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
— Salvador Dali
Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
— Sigmund Freud
Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work.
— Clive Barker, Jihad
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
— William Clayton
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
— Hunter S. Thompson
It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.
— Voltaire
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
— Mark Twain
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
— Marianne Williamson, A Woman’s Worth
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
— Woody Allen, on the KKK
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
— P.J. O’Rourke
Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s nothing to be particularly proud of, either.
— Matt Groening, “Basic Sex Facts For Today’s Youngfolk”, Life In Hell
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
— Matt Groening, “Basic Sex Facts For Today’s Youngfolk”, Life In Hell
No one is more carnal than a recent virgin.
— John Steinbeck
Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
— Kermit the Frog
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to not change it.
Of all the people I know, you’re one of them.
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.