The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
We were born naked and hungry. Then things got worse.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
“More hay, Trigger?” “No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!”
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
If ignorance is bliss, then isn’t public school the intentional deprivation of our happiness?
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool needs a little chlorine.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it.
I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
“Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
You’re just jealous because the voices talk to me.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving; I’m reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
You have the right to remain silent-please consider it.
I love cats … they taste just like chicken
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
Tow-ers will be violated
Montana — At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
i souport publik edekasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’…till you can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
One good thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to meet new people every day
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question….or is it?
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
THE BILL OF RIGHTS… (Void where prohibited by law)
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
First draw the curve, then plot the data.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
Where there’s smoke, there’s dinner.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
If you drink don’t park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don’t succeed…blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No Hard Feelings”.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
It’s not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If you’re not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
There is no satisfactory substitute for brains, but in some cases silence does pretty well.
The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them.
This car is constipated – it can’t pass nuttin’.
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.
Life’s too short to dance with ugly women.
I is a college student.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
Beer isn’t just for breakfast any more.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the back of a milk carton.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Nobody’s ugly after 2 a.m.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Don’t laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
Geez if you belive in honkus.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There’s one in every crowd and they always find me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you’re in love, you’re at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you’ve won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
Wink. I’ll do the rest.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
I may be fat but you’re ugly, and I can lose weight.
Who cares who’s on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
No radio. Already stolen.
Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Exxon Suxx.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn’t exist.
I don’t care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
So many pedestrians, so little time.