I am my dog’s personal turd burglar.<\/p>\n
Most nights I take Butter, the dog, for a walk around our neighborhood.\u00a0 It’s good for her and it’s good for me.\u00a0 As a responsible citizen I clean up after her.\u00a0 I wouldn’t want to step in another dog’s waste, after all, so I don’t inflict it on my neighbors.\u00a0 I wish everyone else were so considerate —\u00a0 most are, not all, but that’s a different topic.<\/p>\n
Butter isn’t very regular.\u00a0 Some days she craps three or four times in the span of our walk (about 45 minutes to an hour), other days there’s not a single bowel movement.\u00a0 If I could choose which days would be more feculent I would pick garbage night so that I wouldn’t have to carry the bags very far, but I don’t get to choose so sometimes I wind up carrying around a lot of purloined stool.<\/p>\n
She pees a lot too, but that seems to go alright because I don’t hassle her about where she makes water and I certainly don’t go back for it.\u00a0 But her manure is fair game for pilfering, and it’s mine, all mine.<\/p>\n
I think Butter has a vague idea that we do our business in the bathroom instead of outside.\u00a0 I find the dichotomy interesting, actually: a dog’s bathroom is outside, in the open.\u00a0 If a person made them defecate and urinate inside their house, and other people found out, that person would be considered weird (and probably a bit filthy) and no one would want to go visiting at their home.\u00a0 The flip side of that coin is, if I am caught soiling the ground outside I could be arrested for disorderly conduct and possibly charged with other offences — even if I do it in the bushes and offer to scoop everything into this nice little baggy I brought with me.<\/p>\n
When it comes time to make doody I imagine Butter’s internal monologue goes something like this:<\/p>\n
“uhh… hold on… ohohohoh uungh… ahhhhhhhhhhhh<\/p>\n
“oh I feel better, time to kick it away and clean up —<\/p>\n
“why is he yelling at me to stop?\u00a0 Doesn’t he like clean —<\/p>\n
“ugh no he’s fiddling with the rustling things again.\u00a0 He’s going to —<\/p>\n
“oh gawd yeah he’s picking it up again.\u00a0 Why do you have to make it weird?<\/p>\n
“dude.”\u00a0 Looks at me reproachfully.\u00a0 “If I drop a deuce in the house you yell at me.\u00a0 I do it out here and you insist on bringing it all the way home with us.\u00a0 What’s up with that?<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
“gawdammit everywhere I sniff it smells like my poop now.\u00a0 How can we search for everyone else’s scat if all I smell is my own?<\/p>\n
“You’re a moron, did you know that mister?”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
And so it goes.\u00a0 From her perspective I stalk her in order to plunder her excrement and keep it for myself.\u00a0 I think I confuse her a little, but not too much because she’s not that smart.<\/p>\n
Humans, on the other hand, supposedly are smart.\u00a0 We recognize that dogs are a paradox<\/a>.<\/p>\n
She might be the smart one, though.\u00a0 After all, she gets free room and board, and a personal turd burglar.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am my dog’s personal turd burglar. Most nights I take Butter, the dog, for a walk around our neighborhood.\u00a0 It’s good for her and it’s good for me.\u00a0 As a responsible citizen I clean up after her.\u00a0 I wouldn’t want to step in another dog’s waste, after all, so I don’t inflict it on … Continue reading “I Am a Turd Burglar”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","wprm-recipe-roundup-name":"","wprm-recipe-roundup-description":"","advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[30],"tags":[228,114,227,226],"class_list":["post-1107","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fluff","tag-butter","tag-fun-with-dogs","tag-poop","tag-turd-burglar"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4o3FW-hR","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1107","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1107"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1107\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1112,"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1107\/revisions\/1112"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1107"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1107"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.jonesling.us\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1107"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}